


And you said, maybe we don't deserve love

by jperalta



Category: Arrested Development
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexuality, M/M, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Thoughts of Self-harm, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:08:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24898189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jperalta/pseuds/jperalta
Summary: Gob is in love with Tony, and he knows that Tony loves him back, but Gob is a nervous wreck and the thought of getting into a serious relationship, not to mention one with a man, scares the crap out of him. i.e. Bi Gob is sad and confused.
Relationships: George Oscar "Gob" Bluth/Tony Wonder
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	1. Chapter 1

Gob was half-asleep on the couch. After coming into the model home and finding it surprisingly empty, he had made himself comfortable and easily fell asleep, due to how exhausted he had been. He had been asleep for maybe twenty minutes before there was a knock on the door that woke him up, followed by the sound of the door opening. 

"Hello?" A voice began to call, and Gob was still hardly awake that it all felt like a dream. "Is anyone here?" The voice called again, and then Gob realized: it was Tony. His heart sank into his stomach, and he instantly felt his palms begin to sweat. He looked down and realized he was only wearing shorts after he had taken his shirt off to sleep. He felt exposed, vulnerable. He had to do something. But before he had another second to think, Tony rounded the corner, saw Gob, and instantly smiled. "Well, hello there." 

The blood rushed to Gob's cheeks - he knew it instantly. Tony was wearing a tight-fitting shirt and tight pants, and he looked great. God, he looked so great. What was Gob thinking? He felt the anxiety spike in his mind, in his body, and it flooded all through him. He'd be shaking now, he knew that much. Yet somehow Tony was still walking towards him, his face more relaxed than before. 

"You look great," Tony said quietly, as he leaned forward and ever so slightly brushed his fingertips against Gob's chest. Gob shuddered, his fear and excitement mixing together. He couldn’t tell if he wanted to scream or cry or both. He knew that Tony looked good, and he knew that he wanted to be with him, but he also knew he was so terrified - terrified of having feelings like this for another man, terrified of what his family would say, if they’d say anything, but also terrified of rejection, of the possibility that if he finally did admit his feelings out loud, he wouldn’t be wanted - that it would all be for nothing and he’d be left feeling empty, unwanted, unloved. But shouldn’t he be used to that by now? 

It was all running through Gob’s mind, pulsing through him, threatening to split him apart, when Gob realized Tony’s fingers still held the smallest occupancy on his skin. Gob shuddered again, pushed Tony’s hands away, and pulled a throw blanket over his body. Then he dared to look at Tony, and saw he was frowning, that he looked hurt, and Gob felt a deeper pain than he knew possible. Why was he doing this? Why couldn’t he just let himself do what he really wanted? He was aroused already just from the smallest touch - he knew it, Tony knew it, and they both knew why, so why fight it? But there were a million stars of self-doubt, self-loathing, spinning in place within him, and he knew why: no one should be with him. 

Tony opened his mouth then closed it again, clearing his throat. Gob wanted to look away. He wanted to run away so everyone would forget about him, and so he could forget about everyone - start over and pretend he didn’t feel so sick all the time, pretend he didn’t hate himself as much as he really did. But instead all he could see was the sadness on Tony’s face. “Gob…” He began, and the sound of his name on Tony’s tongue made him hate himself more - the way he said it, almost pleading. “There… there could be something here. You know that.” Gob wanted to squeeze his eyes shut but couldn’t bear to look away from Tony. “You and I… we…” Gob was doing all he could not to cry, but he wasn’t sure how good he was doing. He wanted to disappear. “We could be happy,” Tony whispered. “If you just… if you just let yourself…” But he couldn’t finish the thought and he turned away from Gob, which sent another pang of self-hatred and guilt through Gob’s body. “Just let me know if you… if anything, um, changes.” And after he said that, he disappeared out the front door. Gob pulled the blanket entirely over his body, his face included, and thought about suffocating himself for as long as he could handle it. But it wouldn’t be long. He couldn’t handle anything. He just let himself lie there, breathing in his own warm air, trying desperately not to claw at his own skin.

***

After maybe an hour of staring at the ceiling, feeling flushed and dizzy, he heard the door open a second time. Upon hearing the click of the lock, Gob felt the anxiety spike again. But this time it felt worse, a thousand times worse. Like something was clogging his lungs making it absolutely impossible to breathe.

“Gob? Is that you?” Michael called from the front door with Buster by his side. Gob was thankful it wasn’t Tony again, but it wasn’t enough to make him feel less horrible in this moment. What was happening?

Gob tried to take in a deep breath but it didn’t work, and the pain in his chest felt like it was spreading. He threw the blanket off his body as a cold sweat broke out over him. He looked at his hands and could hardly make out through his blurred vision how much his fingers were shaking. It was all too overwhelming. Everything was swirling around him. He heard his name called again but couldn’t make himself respond. Fuck, he thought, is this what it feels like to die?

As soon as Michael set his eyes on Gob, he came running over to his side. “Gob, what happened?”

“I don’t know,” he said, entirely out of breath, tears piling up in his eyes as he spoke. 

“What do you mean - you don’t know? What’s going on?”

“I don’t know!” Gob yelled, then felt bad immediately when he saw Michael flinch away a bit. “I’m sorry. I just- I can’t.. breathe. I…” He clutched his stomach as it churned. “ _ Fuck _ .” He clambered over to the nearest bathroom and, despite the fact that he had hardly eaten anything that day, let himself vomit. He pushed himself away from the toilet and tried desperately to breathe, but it was impossible. All he could do was sob and hyperventilate and shake. “God… oh God…”

Michael began to walk towards the bathroom, but Buster held out his arm and walked in front of him. When Buster peeked around the corner he saw Gob, huddled into a ball, his arms around his head, shaking and rocking forward then backward repeatedly as he was blinking out tears. Buster walked towards Gob slowly as Michael stood in the doorway.

“Gob…” Buster said in a low voice, “can you tell me what you’re feeling?” Gob didn’t respond at first - he was so lost. He could hear Buster’s voice but it wasn’t entirely registering. Everything sounded like it was going through a wind tunnel, and he swore he could feel electricity zapping his brain. “Gob,” Buster tried again, crouching down, “tell me what you’re feeling.”

Gob looked up at his brother, tears clouding his already blurry vision. He opened his mouth and tried to speak, but it only came out as a scratchy whisper. “I think I’m dying,” he said quietly. 

Michael shifted his weight. “Dying…?” 

“What are you physically feeling?” Buster asked. “Do you have any pain?”

Gob furrowed his brows together. Pain wasn’t the right word. “I… I feel like I can’t breathe.”

“You need to slow your breathing down.”

Gob let out a quick sob. “I can’t, I-”

“You can, come on,” and Buster showed Gob how to breathe - in slowly, hold, out slowly, repeat. Gob followed him and after doing that for a few moments Gob was able to catch his breath. “Good.” Buster wanted to put a hand on Gob’s shoulder, but knew better than to touch him right now. “Now what else is going on?”

Gob continued to breathe in and out deeply, trying desperately to keep from descending back into hyperventilating. “I feel, just, so scared,” he said, thinking he sounded hopeless and pathetic. “I can’t stop shaking…” he muttered. 

“Gob, I’m pretty sure you’re having a panic attack.”

The words surprised both Gob and Michael. Gob wasn’t sure he’d ever had one of those before, at least never one this bad. He looked into Buster’s eyes as he said the words. “But that’s what… what you…”

Buster looked down at his feet, “yeah.”

“Fuck, god, I’m… I’m so sorry… shit...” Gob’s breathing was speeding up again.

“Gob, stop, you don’t have to be sorry-”

“I do!” Gob said between shallow breaths. “I used to… I’d make fun of you for that. God I’ve always been so terrible.”

“It’s okay, you didn’t-”

“Why are you even helping me?”

“Because I know how it feels.” A low silence filled the room for a moment. Buster moved from a squatting position to sitting cross-legged. He took in a deep breath of his own. “You’re my brother. And I want to help you.”

Gob started to try taking in deep breaths again. “Okay.”

“Here, take this,” Buster said as he reached into his pocket, pulled out a small container of pills and held one out to Gob.

“Is it a forget-me-now?” Gob asked as he reached for it.

“A… what? No, it… it’s Xanax.”

Gob popped it into his mouth as Buster gave him a glass of water from the sink. “It’s not working,” Gob said immediately.

Buster let out a small laugh. “It takes more than a second.” Gob nodded. 

“Do you want us to go?” Michael said from the doorway, his hands in his pockets.

Gob looked at the both of them then shook his head and closed his eyes for a moment. “Please, don’t.” They sat in silence as Gob slowly became able to breathe properly again, and as the pill began to take its effect.

“Did anything specific happen?” Buster asked, picking at his nails. 

Gob felt ashamed of himself all over again. He wanted to lie, to say no, that this had been random, but he couldn’t. Keeping this all to himself was destroying him from the inside. He pressed the back of his head against the wall. “Tony was here,” he said, choking on the name, wanting to disappear into the wall. Michael and Buster looked at each other instantly, as if they had suspected it from the beginning. Gob studied their faces. “What?”

“I’ll be right back,” Buster said before standing and exiting the bathroom.

Michael moved further into the bathroom and leaned against the wall. Gob felt small on the floor and curled into himself more than before. “Gob…”

“Just leave it alone, Michael.”

“You obviously like him,” Michael stated, and Gob wanted to slam his head into the wall all over again as his cheeks became red.

“I know,” Gob said through gritted teeth.

“And clearly he likes you too.”

“I  _ know _ .”

“So I don’t understand what the problem is.”

Gob felt angry with Michael for saying that. Of course it was so easy for him to stand there and say everything was easy, but it wasn’t. Gob was terrified of how his life would change if he got into a relationship with a man. He was scared when thinking of how he had always identified as straight, and now that was changing, and he was rethinking every male friendship he had had in the past, and if they ever would have been more than that if he had been more honest with himself about his bisexuality.. He was horrified by the idea of rejection, of being vulnerable and on display, of being  _ honest _ about how he felt for once. And having feelings for someone, actual painful feelings for someone, made him feel so nauseous sometimes that he couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t flip through the television without wanting to cry over commercials about nothing, couldn’t eat more than a few bites of something without running to the bathroom to get sick. It was all making him so exhausted. Then Gob looked at Michael again and saw in his face he clearly didn’t mean to upset Gob. Michael was concerned about them, and the fact that someone cared about him always made him uncomfortable. So instead of voicing any of this outloud, instead of spilling his heart out to his brother, he pinched his lips closed for a few seconds then said, “I just don’t deserve it.” He could see the worry in Michael’s eyes when he said that, could already hear Michael disagreeing, but it all meant nothing.

“Gob, that’s just… that’s not true.”

Gob had started crying again, quieter and softer than before. The Xanax had calmed him down, made his shaking subside and his heart had stopped beating as fast as it was, but now he was in that drugged-out sadness he was all too familiar with - after all the forget-me-nows that never entirely worked, the nights spent drinking in a crowd of people he didn’t know until he went home and passed out then woke up alone, again. It all weighed down on his chest until the sadness felt so tangible he would swear that he could reach into his body and grab it. “If you were me, if you…” His voice trailed as he thought of every time anyone had ever called him an idiot, told him to get lost, told him he wasn’t wanted. The tears welled up and as he took in a deep and turbulent breath he felt his cheeks becoming wet. He looked down and picked at the skin around his fingernails, a habit he had started whenever he’d get nervous as a child and a habit he never was able to kick. “If you were in my brain, Michael, you’d think you didn’t deserve anything good either.” 

Michael didn’t say anything, he just placed his body next to Gob’s on the ground so that their shoulders were touching. Gob was taking in deep and slow breaths, trying to stave off another spike in panic, and though he wasn’t panicking he still felt so helpless. Michael put his arm around Gob’s shoulder, and they both wanted to say more but couldn’t find the words. The silence was growing into static in both of their ears. Then Gob slightly lowered his body and rested his head on Michael’s shoulder, and Michael let his brother gently cry into his shirt.


	2. Chapter 2

Michael had helped Gob to his feet and the two of them were walking back to the couch when the doorbell rang, and Gob felt frozen in time. He and Michael shared a glance as they heard Buster rush to the door. There was a quick and soft-spoken conversation that Gob and Michael couldn’t hear, before Buster walked to them slowly, and from the look on his face, Gob knew who was at the door. The three brothers glanced at each other for a few minutes.

“I can tell him to go…” Buster tried. Gob didn’t say anything, just continued staring at the floor.

“Gob, really, you don’t have to talk to him now,” Michael said, reaching out a hand towards Gob that Gob shrugged away from, sending a nervous feeling into all their stomachs. “If you’re not feeling okay--”

“I’m never feeling okay,” Gob cut in. It had been true, at least for the past few weeks. 

“It doesn’t have to be today, but you should talk to him at some point. Even if it’s just to…” Gob folded his arms over his chest. “...to tell him you’re not ready.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Gob whispered, swallowing down his fear. 

“Do you want us to go?” Michael asked.

The thought of being alone in the house again with Tony made Gob feel sick, but he also knew everything would probably be easier without worrying about being watched or listened to. Gob didn’t know what to say.

“How about,” Michael continued, “we go upstairs, and won’t come back until you get us.”

Gob looked at the two of them then nodded, and his brothers went upstairs.

Gob could see the outline of Tony through the door, and he couldn’t help but feel like this was going to be the end of something. Yet he still walked towards the door anyway, hands still shaking despite the Xanax fully in his system. When he opened the door, Tony looked a lot more tired than he had an hour ago, and Gob thought about how it was all his fault. Tony brushed by Gob as Gob stood ultimately still frozen.

“Where’d your brothers go?”

Gob’s mouth was dry again. “Upstairs.” The word came out a whisper. Tony closed the door and the two stood in the entryway. “Why did you come back?” Gob muttered while staring at his feet. His and Tony’s shoes were so close. If he could only just focus on the floor. 

“You didn’t seem okay,” said Tony in a soft and caring voice. 

Gob felt his eyelids twitch as he again tried to hold back his tears. He could feel Tony’s breath near him; he knew if he looked up their mouths would be inches apart.

“I’m… not.” 

Tony lightly put a couple of fingers on Gob’s forearm, making the hair on the back of his neck stand up. He tried to breathe, but it was getting difficult again, like that fucking pill just totally wore off. Tony’s fingers were on his skin and as much as he felt he had to push them away, he really didn’t want to. “Gob…”

Tony rubbed his thumb on Gob’s arm and Gob closed his eyes, tried desperately to give in and stop pushing back so much. But he could hear everyone’s voice in his head calling him a loser, an idiot, and he knew he deserved nothing, definitely not this soft touch from a man he was falling hard for.

“You’re shaking a lot,” Tony said, continuing the soothing motion against Gob’s arm as Gob winced. 

“Fucking Xanax doesn’t work,” Gob uttered.

“Did you take a Xanax because of me?”

The hurt in Tony’s voice made Gob feel terrible all over again.

“It’s not just you,” Gob half-lied. Maybe having feelings for Tony had set all of this off, but it was years and years of sadness and self-loathing coming to a head, and it was only with everything else already going on then Gob finally found himself feeling completely undone. “It’s just… everything. My mom… and my dad… and...” He wanted to spill out everything but he couldn’t find the strength. He just kept looking at the ground, tried to focus on Tony’s touch yet couldn’t stop feeling so insanely guilty about everything. And he couldn’t get those angry voices out of his head: his mother shouting with a glass of wine in her hand about how she wished she’d never had him, Lindsay telling her friends they shouldn’t bother talking to him, his father telling him over and over again what a disappointment he was, how it was no wonder that nobody ever wanted to hang out with Gob, since even his own family couldn’t stand to be around him. 

“They really messed you up, didn’t they?” Tony said, and Gob bowed his head further, failing to hide the tears lining his eyes. When he closed them he felt a few fall and felt like an absolute moron, a pathetic loser who really should just disappear. “Would you let me do something?”

Gob opened his eyes and looked up at Tony. Their noses were as close as they could possibly be without touching. “What?”

“Just…” Tony’s grip tightened around Gob’s arm, “let me hold you.”

Gob didn’t say anything, but moved his body away from the wall. He felt Tony’s arms wrap around him and he felt so surrounded by warmth. Tony squeezed him a bit and moved in closer, and Gob was sure Tony could hear his heart pounding away, thumping loudly in both of their ears. Tony pressed his whole body’s against Gob’s and put his head on Gob’s shoulder, his breath on his neck. They fell back against the wall and Gob felt dizzy and like Tony was the only thing in the world holding him up. And his embrace felt like something out of heaven. It had been so long since Gob had been held like this, and he felt spoiled for letting himself enjoy it as long as he did. 

Tony’s breath was warm on his skin and he felt like he was going to pass out. Then Gob felt Tony’s head move a bit and he felt Tony’s lips on his neck, and he almost let out a small moan. It felt right yet he was still so scared of intimacy and didn’t know what to do. “Tony…”

Then Tony pulled back and put his hands on Gob’s chest, looking Gob right in the eye and Gob found himself nearly panting, looking at Tony’s mouth. “Gob, you know I… really do have feelings for you, right?”

Gob nodded. “Yes.”

“And I’m pretty sure you feel the same.”

Gob swallowed his fear and nodded again.

“I know you think you’re too messed up. I know you think you don’t deserve it, but you’re wrong.”

Gob wiped the tears from his own face and looked back to Tony.

“And I know you’re scared, that you’ve never done this before, and I haven’t either, but…” Gob slammed his head hard against the wall and Tony put his hands behind him to prevent him from doing it again. “You can’t just torture yourself.” Tony rubbed the back of Gob’s head with his thumbs. “Please, just try being nice to yourself for a change.” 

And with Tony’s touch, with his embrace and his words, something different started to happen, and Gob couldn’t help but to feel a surge of hope as he stared at Tony’s lips for a few more seconds before closing in the space between them and holding Tony at tightly as he could with their lips pressed together. Their hands squeezed each other tightly and it felt like electricity was pulsing through his entire body again, but in a different way this time - a better way that also provided small flutters of light flowing through him. They were connected and it was right, and Gob knew it was right. They pulled away from each other after a few moments because Gob couldn’t ignore the nausea swelling in his stomach again. 

“What’s going on?” Tony asked, playing with Gob’s ear in a way that somehow made Gob feel safer than normal. 

“Nothing.”

“Gob…”

“I just…” Gob moved his hands up and down Tony’s arms. “This is all kind of blowing my mind.”

“What?”

“That… that someone likes me like this.”

“Someone, meaning another guy?”

“Not even that, just… anyone.”

Tony pulled Gob’s mouth back to his own and kissed him passionately for a few more moments before pulling away again, Gob’s lips chasing after Tony’s as he pulled them apart. “I like you a lot.”

“I’m… so scared.”

“I know.”

“What if… what if…” Gob stuttered as his mind spun around every horrible possible outcome. Rejection, a broken heart, embarrassment, wanting to die even more than before. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen.”

Tony brought his hands down to Gob’s hands and held them tightly. “Shouldn’t we find out?”

“You don’t know what you’re getting into with me. I… I’m…” He had an urge to tell Tony every horrible thought he had ever had, how many times he had dreamt about something falling out of the sky and killing him just because he said something stupid to someone. Not to mention the fact that he was “self-medicating” by drugging himself with roofies whenever he felt bad, which was more and more lately. But it didn’t help. It just made him more sad and confused than before.

“That’s okay, I’ll take all of it.” Tony said, hands squeezing Gob’s tighter, a thumb rubbing against the back of his hand. “I want all of it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave feedback! Love me some feedback. Hope everyone is having a good day!
> 
> Title "We Don't Deserve Love" by Arcade Fire (ouch)


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